Jumaat, Julai 30, 2010

Salam semua...

28 Julai lalu, saya dan akhowat Rusia serta beberapa adik yang akan fly ke England September ini telah pergi bercuti ke Pulau Perhentian, Besut, Terengganu.

Alhamdulillah, pengalaman cutinya 'amazing'!! Cap jempol gitu lho! hehe....

Walaupun cuma dua hari satu malam, namun ianya antara memori yang pasti terukir indah di hati. Best sangat-sangat.

Pulau yang cantik dengan pasir pantainya yang memutih, ditambah lagi dengan ombak yang menderu dan angin yang sepoi-sepoi bahasa menampar pipi dan mengibarkan tudung-tudung kami, Subhanallah! Hatta kamera yang tercanggih sekalipun tidak dapat mengalahkan apa yang dirakam mata kami.

Terlalu cantik!

Pengalaman ber 'snorkelling' juga pasti takkan saya lupakan. Keajaiban alam bawah laut yang seolah-olah suatu alam lain yang penuh misteri dan rahsia. Batu-batu karang dan ikan-ikan yang berwarna-warni dengan pelbagai bentuk dan jenis. Subhanallah...Tidak hairanlah ada manusia yang gilakan laut!

Memang menarik sungguh!

Ah, alam yang sentiasa memberiku inspirasi dan ketenangan hati. Membawa aku menyelami diri. Mencari apa mahuku selama ini. Mengkoreksi kelemahan diri, menginsafi, seterusnya mencari langkah memperbaiki.

Ah, aku anak muda. Sudah kucoretkan sebelum ini, tentang diriku yang bagaimana sebelum kukenal dakwah dan tarbiyyah.

Bukan mudah untuk kuterus thabat dalam jalan ini. Terkadang, pabila jemu menjengah di pintu hati, aku tertanya sendiri. Apa benar aku memilih jalan ini?

Dan ku masih ingat seorang teman yang kelelahan meluahkan rasa yang terbuku;

"Kenapa ey, kadang-kadang kita rasa rindu pada zaman jahiliyyah kita?"

Zapp!!

Luahan atau lebih tepat, persoalan yang dilontarkan oleh temanku itu bagai menghiris jiwaku sendiri. Kerana apa? Kerana rasa itu juga terkadang menggamit dan melambai-lambai dipinggir hati.

Astaghfirullah.

Memang bernafas di jiwa hamba ini bukan mudah. Tak pernah tak payah. Susah dan acap disulam kesah.

Aku manusia biasa. Banyak noda dan cela. Aku selalu buta. Pada mata dan rasa.

Berjuta kali aku berikrar mahu berubah. Berhijrah. Tapi setiap kali itu juga aku tersungkur di tengah jalan.

Imunisasi aku belum cukup teguh melawan bakteria jahiliyyah yang bagaikan membarah di dalam hati. Dan aku sering beralasan, aku butuh waktu. Aku butuh waktu untuk jadi jitu.

Tapi sampai bila? Aku semakin berusia. Aku tak mahu umurku sia-sia. Aku mahu umur yang berkat. Biar umur singkat tapi amalku padat.

Ah, mimpi deh aku barangkali!

Bisakah digapai awan di langit biru? Sedangkan tanganku panjangnya cuma sejengkal.

Ya Allah, jauh di sudut hati,
diri ini mahu merapat lagi,
mengadu di malam sepi,
hanya pada Engkau ya Rabbi.

Ya Allah, jauh di sudut hati,
aku mahu menjadi abdi,
yang berharap hanya pada Illahi,
tak langsung gentar pada cemuhan manusiawi.

Hmm...gagahlah wahai jiwa muda! jangan hanya lantang menyalak bukit. Jangan hanya mahu tunjuk jantan atau betina. Buktikan dengan amal.

Kurangkan kontroversi, tingkatkan prestasi. Moga semangatmu membara api. Jangan jemu melawan yang namanya naluri. Jalan masih jauh lagi Didie!

Isnin, Julai 26, 2010

Realiti selalu menyakitkan hati. Tiada bahagia berkekalan hingga ke mati. Yang ada cuma gembira di awal, derita di tengah, dan mungkin dengan izin Allah, diakhirnya bahagia bersemi lagi. Ah, persis ayat dalam surah Al-Insyirah;

"Bersama kesulitan ada kemudahan"

Dua kali Allah tekankan. Mulut dah berbuih baca ayat tu, otak pun dah lama hafal, di hati, memang sudah lama tersemat ayat suci keramat itu. Tapi bukan senang menghadapi realiti. Bila susah datang, hati pun automatik jadi suram. Otak kelam, lupa sudah Al-Quran penyuluh jalan.

Bila hati jadi gelap, prasangka pun tumbuh melata. Hilang percaya, ya itulah kata kuncinya.

Bila hilang percaya, curiga datang tanpa dipinta.

Jiwa jadi makin sakit, hati jadi makin kusut, akal jadi pendek, nafas tersekat-sekat, dan akhirnya amarah juga yang dihambur keluar. Kononnya akan menjadi ubat, agar jiwa puas dan bebas.

Tapi sebenarnya, masalah tak juga selesai-selesai. Malah jadi makin tenat.

Persefahaman tidak dicapai. Aku mengata engkau, engkau mengata aku. Aku lebih benar, engkau tu yang salah. Lagi-lagi aku, aku dan aku.

Entahlah, dunia ini kompleks. Allah dan susunan rencanaNya amat berseni, halus dan teliti. Tidak dapat dijagkau manusia.

Orang bijak pandai selalu mengatakan;

" Mesej yang baik harus disampaikan dengan cara yang baik pada waktu yang terbaik"

Tuntasnya, biar berhikmah.

Tapi selalunya, hikmah itu mahal, harganya sabar. Sebab itu tak ramai yang sanggup. Hatta yang menulis ini sendiri pun, selalu saja gagal. FAIL!!

Arghh..marah deh dengan diri! Gimana sih bisa terjeremus dalam perangkap setan lagi?
Untuk yang kesekian kali?

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Al-quran juga sudah dibaca berpuluh kali, masih terasa jauh dari cukup lagi. Istighfar? Sudah kudahulukan setiap kali. Tapi kesukaran masih menggigit hati.

Allah, mohon Kau tunjuk jalan keluar bagi apapun masalah yang menjerat hamba-hambaMu. Biar dari yang sekecil kuman sehingga yang setinggi gunung everest, Kau tunjukkanlah jalan bagaimana sabar itu bisa dipraktikkan..Sesungguhnya, Sabar itu Mahar untuk ke syurga....

Ameen....

Jumaat, Jun 25, 2010

Salam everybody.

Seems like a week I haven't written anything on my diary.

Well, happy news guys!

I've successfully finished my work placement at Rushey Mead School.

What a massive experience I could say. It IS my FIRST work experience ever!

But, to be honest, yeah, well, I can't lie to myself though, after 3 weeks at school, I've just realized that teaching is not really actually for me.

Hmm...I don't know.

It's not really about confidence that does matter but there is something that bother me.

Maybe I could not stand with the students' behaviour. Well, they were nice somehow, but, not for all the times.

What I could say here is whoever in this world who chosed to be a teacher, she/he must be a very very optimistic, tough and patient person.

Coz it's not that easy to deal with young people you!!

Really need to keep the heart open, to be always ready with the constructive comments, to be under control (well, obviously need to control yourself first before you can control the students and sometimes it can be beyond the limit though) and need to have the right body language and the right voice toner at the right time.

D'ya know what I mean?

Like, you need to keep the class under control which you want to make sure all the students get what you say. And so, you need all sort of skills to manage that. Teacher is just like a skills practitioner. Once you've gained those skills, then you should be alright.

But skills don't come in a bundle. You need to gain that from loads of experiences. Keep gaining and practicing, really.

Hmm...So, what I actually like to do?

Well...haven't made up my mind yet....

But I've got a list of suggestions to myself of what I might like to do in the future.

Let me keep them to myself first and let see whether I'll make a right decision.

But, yeah, I think I want to try to teach at Malaysia, you know like just to find out the chemistry between me and teaching stuffs.

I hope, if I got that chance (to teach in Malaysia this summer), I would be able to decide whether teaching is for me or not.

Obviously we want to do something that we like to do,isn't it?

But at the same time cannot be too picky!!

World doesn't always turn like what you want though.

So,yeah...thanks to all of the staff members at Rushey Mead. Nice to know you guys.

Very professional people, committed, positive and easy-going I must say.

I'll try to absorb the positive values from you guys and practice those things in my own life.

Thanks.... Despite all the pressure that I felt,I will say that I would never regret doing this work placement.

At least, I gave a try.

At least, I'd challenged myself.

At least, I did that!

It was not that bad though.

I was paid 600 pounds for that. Hmm..What a massive payment after all. =P

Hmm..Right, see you later guys...Love you...Will gonna miss Rushey Mead School and the staffs there...

p/s: Thanks for the farewell card! It's sooooo nice and I'm so touched =)


Sabtu, Jun 12, 2010

Salam...

Hi everybody...
I hope you guys happy today.

I had finished my first week at Rushey Mead School playing a role as a teacher assistant and sometimes a researcher at that school.

I am so fascinated by the atmosphere at my work place.
It IS so positive, friendly, supportive, creative, and what else can say?
I just loved it!=)

The first and second day were a bit horror for me coz I just didn't really get into them.

You know like, they got many type of accents. I could understand some, but sometimes I just like "mmm..hmmmm" when I don't get what they're saying! Hahhaha....

Well, the third day, I still quite depended on my school mentor, who is Mr.Matt Stopp. Huhu...So lucky coz he's quite a supportive and understanding person. He just treated me like a new member there. So, he did give me some ideas of how I can get my direction in these two weeks here.

He did supply me with the info like, what do I really need to do, am I comfortable with the time-table, do I need to add more classes in my time-table or am I fine with that and so on. After all, he's just a nice person.

Plus I did discover something new there. Something that made me reflected on myself much.
Like I really find that I do have a lot, a lot, a lot of weaknesses in myself. If I could list here, I would list these...;

*I'm quite a "neediness" person.
*I'm not really independent, I think.
*I have a difficulty in communicating profesionally with the people who are older than me.
*I am a bit "me, me" person.Selfish in other words.
*I'm lack of sense of humor.
*I'm not really good in time management and not really organized.
*I also did recognized that I don't really know how to describe myself.

After a week at school, I think, I did change a bit. Like, I'm trying to become more responsible, more proactive and more polite in a way of treating other people.

You know like, sometimes it's quite easy to say you're like this and like that, but when you need to get across to someone else, like in the classroom, or in work place, you need to prove yourself that you have such the abilities.

I agree that it is not easy to do but we better try to gain that. You know, maybe it will cost pain to you at the beginning, but it's worth to try anyways!

Better be beaten by trying than winning by lying, isn't it?

Often, you cannot go further if you just stop and static.

You need to move on.

You need to taste the other side of environment in order to add some values to yourself.

Sometimes, people will talk behind you. They will laugh at you. They will judge you.

But as long as you're alive, then anything that people say about you is not a big deal no more.

You just need to be brave to step ahead in your life. Make an improvement. Think big. Ready to face any challenge in front.

Well, sometimes, you can just face all that by putting a smile on your face and just be empathy to the other people.

Hmmm.....so much things that I did reflect, I think. Thank you Allah. I hope this will not make me far from YOU.....

I hope Allah will always guide me in every step in my life. I hope Allah will always be there to help me....

Hmmm....just be more .......


POSITIVE!!!!!

=)

Sabtu, Jun 05, 2010

Salam....

Hello to all my family and friends....

How do you do now?

Are you doing fine?

Well, I hope you guys did great coz I was not really good along this week.

And I do hope that I will function well again as soon as possible because my new work is waiting for me and it's really really just around the corner and I do need to behave like 22-year-old-girl and be able to handle my routine appropriately.

Sometimes, I was confused. I did not know what happened to me and it was just happen. I did not know whether it was because of the old story or it was just me.

And when it happens, I just think like I want to get a supernanny to handle me and guide me and supply me with such a motivation and give the right method for me to carry on with my life.

I know it is not good to tell much about myself but consider that this is my diary, then I think it is OK to write anything that I feel here. It is my place to figure out what is spinning and revolving around my head right now and a space to help me to make things clearer and smoother to myself.


.::::Now, I'm trying to bring chaos to the order::::...

***********************************************************************************
Life is not just about a dream. Life is all about the spirit and character. Life is a battle and it is not a gamble. We live our lives with love. We carry on our life with the other people by exchanging some phrases of appreciations and that was the thing that I always always failed to do.

It is somehow easy to write and to read the theories rather than imply those theories themselves into our life.

It needs a so-called little sacrifice to make ourselves be more approachable and more reachable to the people around us. And that sacrifice always puts me in pain. I do not know how I could be more available to the people without sacrifice my own nature.

Or...maybe I am a bit selfish.

Well..perhaps..BUT... On my defense, sometimes, you will feel tiring of giving. Now you feel like receiving. You don't want to give too much anymore. You just feel like it is time for you to have your own time, to treat your own self, to ignore anything and everything that is happening around you.

You just need some time to find yourself back and you just need to be alone to deal with it.

And when it comes to this point, I am not sure whether this is what I really want. Or is this really the way that I need to behave? Or is this the right thing that I am thinking about?

And, when I'm not so sure, then the things start to turn upside down.

I'll get so upset and frustrated coz I feel like no one hears me, no one understands me and I just feel like the big force exerted on my head and because of that incredible force, the bad feeling just sink deeply into myself and then I became more frustrated.

Hmm...without knowing how to deal with this kind of stress, I became more stressful.

So what I did was trying to think of something that makes me happy and trying to do some shopping and be with the people that I love to be with.

It kind of works sometimes but not most of the times.

So what do I need to do??

Well maybe I need to train myself to be more supportive to the other people without sacrifice too much from my side.

Or maybe I need to go back to basic.

So, what is the basic then? Allah, of course.

Well, I'll work for it in order to make myself feel good and better.And move from better to outstanding.

Believing that I'm not dealing this alone but with Allah does help me much.

Ok, it's a late night now. Better get enough sleep and ready for tomorrow. Hmm...night peers....Salam....





 
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